My Father's 20 Rules of Life *
1. Always be the second-fastest car on the road.
2. West Coast road
3. New Yorkers are bad drivers because they get their license later than most others, and it is always better to learn things when you’re young.
4. Never play a New Yorker who challenges you to a game of ping-pong.
5. Never play poker with someone who has more money than you and isn’t afraid to lose it.
6. When leaving the house, always have something with you to read.
7. The size of a hotel’s swimming pool is directly proportional to the luxuriousness of the hotel.
8. If you’re in an electronics store and need help, find the pear-shaped and/or Asian guy.
9. Dutch people are tall. Also, they are more like Americans than any other nationality (excluding, perhaps, Canadians).
10. Real estate prices aside, the San Francisco Bay Area is the greatest place to live; if you can afford it, there is no reason to live anywhere else.
(10a. But if you're not already here, please stay away -- traffic and supermarket lines are bad enough as it is.)
11. Eat your fiber. And start young. Also, organic is not a fad.
12. Every disease is at least partly contagious, even those that are considered “genetically programmed/predispositioned” and/or “environmentally triggered.”
13. Always, always carry it on if they let you.
14. Drugs and prostitution should be legal. Immigration should not be. Gasoline and cigarettes should be taxed through the roof and then the clouds.California
15. Always double-check the bill -- restaurant, credit card, whatever -- before paying it.
16. Doctors are bad businesspeople.
17. Republicans are bad people, period. If you vote Republican, it’s because you are either selfish, stupid, or both.
18. Unless you’re a police officer, a criminal, or a biathlete, there is no reason to own a gun.
19. The further east you go fromCalifornia
20. It’s not a morning without a glass of orange juice.
* Caution: May not apply to life in the 21st century.
2. West Coast road
3. New Yorkers are bad drivers because they get their license later than most others, and it is always better to learn things when you’re young.
4. Never play a New Yorker who challenges you to a game of ping-pong.
5. Never play poker with someone who has more money than you and isn’t afraid to lose it.
6. When leaving the house, always have something with you to read.
7. The size of a hotel’s swimming pool is directly proportional to the luxuriousness of the hotel.
8. If you’re in an electronics store and need help, find the pear-shaped and/or Asian guy.
9. Dutch people are tall. Also, they are more like Americans than any other nationality (excluding, perhaps, Canadians).
10. Real estate prices aside, the San Francisco Bay Area is the greatest place to live; if you can afford it, there is no reason to live anywhere else.
(10a. But if you're not already here, please stay away -- traffic and supermarket lines are bad enough as it is.)
11. Eat your fiber. And start young. Also, organic is not a fad.
12. Every disease is at least partly contagious, even those that are considered “genetically programmed/predispositioned” and/or “environmentally triggered.”
13. Always, always carry it on if they let you.
14. Drugs and prostitution should be legal. Immigration should not be. Gasoline and cigarettes should be taxed through the roof and then the clouds.
15. Always double-check the bill -- restaurant, credit card, whatever -- before paying it.
16. Doctors are bad businesspeople.
17. Republicans are bad people, period. If you vote Republican, it’s because you are either selfish, stupid, or both.
18. Unless you’re a police officer, a criminal, or a biathlete, there is no reason to own a gun.
19. The further east you go from
20. It’s not a morning without a glass of orange juice.
* Caution: May not apply to life in the 21st century.
Labels: excursions, family
posted by Homunculus J. Reilly at 3:19 PM
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