30 Things NOT to Do Before You Die

If you saw the Sunday Styles section of the Times several weeks ago ("10 Things to Do Before This Article is Finished"), you know that Life Lists are seriously in vogue. There are countless books dedicated explicitly to the concept, including Fifty Places to Play Golf Before You Die, 101 Things to Do Before You Turn 40, 1,000 Places to See Before You Die (the best-seller that spawned a successful travel documentary on the Travel Channel[1]), and the 1001 Books/Movies/Albums/Paintings You Must Read/See/Hear/See Before You Die series, which, were you to attempt to read, see, hear, and see all 4,004 items, would take nearly 142 years. (I calculated. ) There is also a recent novel, The Next Thing on My List: A Novel, by Jill Smolinski, which merely utilizes the (high-as-a-skydiver) concept as the premise, and which will surely be adapted into a mediocre, mid-budget movie. And speaking of upcoming mediocre, mid-budget movies, there's one of those, too: The Bucket List, starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. There’s also a popular website (www.43Things.com) and a ubiquitous ad campaign (Visa’s "Things to Do While You’re Alive"). Even The New Yorker, that pantheon of the highbrow, joined the parade. Last week’s issue includes an article entitled "My Life List," in which John McPhee, that human pantheon of the highbrow, guides us through the catalog of strange foods he has consumed.

Everybody’s doing it. Or at least, you know, making lists about doing it. Freeman apparently wants to attain the perfect golf swing, which may or may not be more attainable than another goal that should be on his List if it isn’t already: playing something other than the Stately Black Man Performing Voiceover Narration to Tell the Story of a White Protagonist. Jerry Rice evidently has more modest aspirations: he wants to visit Rome before he dies. (Jerry, if you’re reading this -- and I know you are -- I’d be happy to schedule your trip for a small charge -- say, a percentage of your Dancing With the Stars appearance fee.)

Having already accomplished many of the feats Listed in the Times story -- skydiving, seeing a dinosaur fossil, swimming with dolphins, living in a beach house, developing a more positive attitude[2], and so on -- ol’ Homunculus has little use for such a List himself. Rather, as someone who sees the glass half full of emptiness, I have chosen to live a slightly different List. My Life List, formulated in 2004 after a particularly nasty bout of gonorrhea (which I contracted, ironically enough, after conquering one item on my previous To-Do List), represents an inventory of things I want to avoid doing before I die.[3]

Thus, without further ado -- life is short, after all -- here is my List of 30 Things NOT to Do Before I Die:

1) Read Fifty Places to Play Golf Before You Die.
2) Play golf in fifty different places.
3) Play golf fifty more times.
4) Pass up the opportunity to have sex with Rachel McAdams if presented with the opportunity.
5) Get a Prince Albert.
6) Visit all of Central Asia's "Stans."
7) Name my son Stan.
8) Name my daughter Stan.
9) Read Pride & Prejudice.
10) Eat a Rocky Mountain oyster.
11) Have my parachute fail on me while skydiving.
12) Have a dolphin eat me while swimming with one.
13) Live in a house built by Habitat for Humanity.
14) Have a threesome (the uncool kind).
15) Watch Michael Bay's entire oeuvre.
16) Watch Kevin Smith's entire oeuvre.
17) See the Eagles in concert.
18) Meet Paris Hilton. *
18a) Bang Paris Hilton. *
18b) Contract Herpes. *
19) Meet Britney Spears.
19a) Bang Britney Spears.
19b) Contract retardation.
20) Find God.
21) Visit Somalia.
22) Visit Irkutsk.
23) Visit Arkansas.
24) Have a shit fit, perhaps literally, as a doctor I just met takes a pen knife to the crown of my jewels and slices away a patch of the most sensitive flesh on my body. *
25) See Stonehenge. (Heard it's overrated.)
26) See Ayres Rock. (Ditto.)
27) See Rockys II, III, V, & VI.
28) See Spider-Men II*, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, & IX.
29) Have my back waxed.
30) Make a list of things to avoid doing before dying. *

---

[1] According to the Times article, Patricia Schultz, the author of 1,000 Places, has visited about 80% of the places listed in the book. The Times sounded impressed, but shouldn't she have had to visit all the places to write about and recommend them? Isn't that like Ebert leaving a movie 20 minutes early and then giving it a thumbs-up?

[2] Ha! Just kidding.

[3] Incidentally, dying is actually number one on my list of things to avoid. However, in light of the technicality that one cannot die before dying, it has been left off the List.

* Too late.

A (now) open letter to "The World Leader in River Cruising" -- The Follow-Up Response (+ the Response to the Follow-Up Response)

Dear Mr. Reilly,

I have looked into this matter, and here is why you received more brochures (there actually is logic behind it.)

Rather than things happening in real time, we run reports and update systems on a weekly or bi weekly basis. Your initial request to be removed from the mailing list was on August 31. These requests are input into the consumer database every Wednesday, which means it was actually recorded on September 5. The brochures were sent out to you on September 7 because that list of (potential) customers was compiled on August 27, which was before we had even received your initial request. That August 27^th list is the last list you are included on.

I hope this eases your mind a bit, but if Charmin ever goes out of business, you could always start a side company with all your extra Viking brochures.

Please let me know if Murphy has decided you haven’t had enough, and you keep getting them. If that happens, I’ll change your address in the system to our office address here in Woodland Hills. That should correct the problem.

Have a wonderful weekend!

Eve Rowlands

P.S. If you ever decided to become a ‘blogger’ and write a weekly rant about random companies you have issues with (I’d love to hear your grievances with the Men’s Wearhouse) let me know.

Let me reiterate how much I love this woman. Also, for those amongst my loyal readers who occasionally doubt the veracity of my bloggish exploits and/or exploitive blog, let me assert: I did not make up that P.S. (Even ol' Homunculus could not concoct a coda that perfect.) Let me also assert: Fuck you.

And now, my response:

Dear Ms. Rowlands,

Funny you should ask...

winterontheequator.blogspot.com

Enjoy & self-edify.

Sincerely,

Homunculus J. Reilly, "Blogger"

A (now) open letter to "The World Leader in River Cruising" -- The Follow-Up

Dear Ms. Rowlands,

After receiving your solicitous response to my complaint, I reversed my position re. Viking River Cruises® and immediately recommended you to everyone I knew, including people I had only known for several minutes. Unfortunately, in the two weeks since our correspondence I have received two more pieces of junk mail -- an oversize postcard and a full-color brochure -- from your apparently desperate company (or "sinking ship," if you pardon the pun). It could be, as you stated, that they were sent before "(you) personally (took my) request to (your) Marketing department"; however, the more recent item arrived only two days ago, so this seems doubtful.

I recycled the items, as I always do, but don't let that assuage your conscience: recycling isn't the same as conservation in the first place. (Just ask Leonardo DiCaprio!) Please check on that request you made to the Marketing department, and while you're at it, personally instruct them to shove all mailers with my name on them up their asses.

With further appreciation in advance,

Homunculus J. Reilly
"Customer" #1145086482
Coral Gables, FL

A (now) open letter to "The World Leader in River Cruising" -- The Response

Mr. Reilly,

I just wanted to thank you for a very entertaining request to be taken off the mailing list. I have personally taken your request to our Marketing department to ensure you do not receive anymore mailers.

I just wanted to let you know that your witty response was handled. Thank you for a great end to the week, and I do sincerely apologize for the superfluous amount of mailers. If after two weeks you still receive something, please contact me directly at the email address or phone number listed below and I will personally take care of it for you.

Eve Rowlands
Specialist, Onboard Sales Program and E-Travel Consultant
Viking River Cruises, Inc.

Well slap me silly and call me Judy. Wow. Not just cordial, but grammatically competent and timely to boot. I hereby retract everything I said to, and about, Viking River Cruises® (especially the part about raping a poodle -- in retrospect, that was sort of wrong). In point of fact, river cruises rule, and Viking River Cruises® in particular especially rule. If you are planning a vacation, and you are a well-dressed upper-middle-class straight white couple (okay, yes, I watched the DVD), let it be known that Homunculus officially endorses Viking River Cruises®, the World Leader in River Cruises... by far.