Caption translation: "I wish New Yorker cartoons weren't so abstruse and pedantic"

Check out this cartoon from this week's New Yorker:



Ha! Classic.

Get it? See, there's this bald guy, and he's sitting at home thinking something in French, maybe about how he wishes he weren't bald. It's funny cause it's true.


[Not to condescend, but I thought I'd clarify just to be sure -- sometimes The New Yorker's cartoons can be a bit inscrutable, as they cheerfully admit themselves. It's also kinda funny -- funny ironic, not funny ha-ha -- that the artist of the above cartoon, Bob Mankoff, is the cartoon editor of the magazine and author of the "I Don't Get It" Cartoon IQ Test from Nov. 3rd's Cartoon Issue. Expect to get a few letters about your own cartoon this week, Bob. Va te faire foutre!]

WOTE's (as-Fun-as-a-Fact-Can-Be) Fact of the Day*

Back in the good old days -- i.e., before 1824 -- presidential candidates did not campaign for the job. As Jill Lepore writes, in a recent piece in The New Yorker, "In keeping with the tradition of the first five American Presidents, [John Quincy] Adams considered currying favor with voters to be beneath the dignity of the office, and believed that any man who craved the Presidency ought not to have it. Adams called this his Macbeth policy:

If chance will have me king, why, chance may crown me,
Without my stir.

Jackson's supporters leaned more toward Lady Macbeth's point of view. They had no choice but to stir: their candidate was, otherwise, unelectable. How they stirred has shaped American politics ever since."

No shit. In other words, we have Andrew Jackson to thank for all this crap we've endured the past 20+ months.


(As-Fun-as-a-Fact-Can-Be) Fact Courtesy of:

"Bound for Glory," by Jill Lepore, from the Oct. 20th New Yorker.


* Sort of like Harper’s Index, but even more funner.

WOTE's Quote du Jour*

"If I were a dictator, which I always aspire to be, I would write it a little bit differently."

-- John McCain, on the Wall Street bailout bill


Quote du Jour courtesy of:

"Lipstick on a Pig: A 2008 Campaign Quiz," in this week's New Yorker (the Politics Issue)


My only comment that is not a much-too-obvious joke is, How did this not get more coverage?? Seriously, if you Google the quote, only three links pop up, and two of them are from The New Yorker piece. (Then again, if you Google "John McCain" & "dictator," you get 1,080,000 results, so who knows.)

(Then again, again, if you Google "Barack Obama" & "dictator," you get 1,070,000 results. Don't you just love the Internet?)


* Despite its title, not a regular feature of WOTE. To be used only when I have no original thoughts of my own, nor any "WOTE (as-Fun-as-a-Fact-Can-Be) Fact of the Day" to use as equally indolent filler.

WOTE’s (as-Fun-as-a-Fact-Can-Be) Fact of the Day*

Back in the day, the audience sometimes participated in classical concerts. Once, when Franz Liszt was beginning a performance of the "Kreutzer" Sonata, listeners began calling out "Robert le Diable!" -- meaning that they wished to hear instead Liszt's fantasy on themes from the Meyerbeer opera. Liszt acceded to the demand and launched into his "Robert" fantasy.

Then he did "Freebird."


(As-Fun-as-a-Fact-Can-Be) Fact courtesy of:

"Why So Serious?" by Alex Ross, from The New Yorker


* Sort of like Harper’s Index, but even more funner.

WOTE’s (as-Fun-as-a-Fact-Can-Be) Fact of the Day*

Breaking stride to pick up a penny, if it takes more than 6.15 seconds, pays less than the federal minimum wage.


(As-Fun-as-a-Fact-Can-Be) Fact Courtesy of:

"Penny Dreadful," from The New Yorker, 3/31/08


* Sort of like Harper’s Index, but even more funner.

You Can Call Him Al, Nobel Laureate

As you’ve probably heard by now, my main man, Al "I’m too sexy for this White House" Gore, was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize last week for his Inconvenient Truth-spreading. With the prize, Gore joins a long and venerable list of shiny-happy olive branch-waving peaceniks, including Henry Kissinger (1973), Yasser Arafat (1994), the I.A.E.A. (2005), Bono (2012), and Angelina Jolie (2018).

In all seriousness, though, Homunculus was thrilled down to his Birkenstocks for Mr. God -- er, Gore -- and just as thrilled that the Nobel committee took this blog into consideration when it made its decision. I mean, I knew the committee members read it; I just didn’t realize they would rely on it to the extent that they’d rip it off nearly verbatim in their press release. Check it:

"(Mr. Gore is) probably the single individual who has done most to create greater worldwide understanding of the measures that need to be adopted."

Well put, gentlemen. So well put, in fact, that maybe you weren’t the first ones to put it in the first place? Does this ring a bell?…

"By far the loudest and most charismatic megaphone [for the issue] has been, and will continue to be, Al Gore."

Sound familiar? No? Hmm. Well then, how about this one?…

"Gore has seemingly single-handedly brought climate change to the front: the front pages of the newspapers, the forefront of the public’s conscience, the frontburner of policymakers’ policies that need making and remaking."

Coming back to you now, isn’t it? I thought so -- 'cause you read it here two months ago. That’s okay. I’m sure you have some original ideas of your own…

"If the profile of the issue had not been raised with An Inconvenient Truth, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change’s [the co-winners of the Peace prize] reports this year would not have had nearly as much impact, experts said." *

Who are these so-called "experts" the Times cited? I’ll give you a hint: "they" are one man, and he is an impossibly brilliant blogger whose first name is Homunculus. Also, his last name is Reilly. And his middle initial is J. (Okay, that was five hints.) Here is what those "experts" said in August:

Since the release of An Inconvenient Truth -- its subsequent box-office success, the media blitz that accompanied that success, and its important (if undeserved) victory at the Oscars -- global warming has finally gotten hot. It’s no longer "old news"; it’s now continually breaking news that, by virtue of its oldness, has suddenly reached its breaking point. … (Gore’s) multi-part thesis -- the climate crisis, as he calls it, is real; the scientific evidence is incontrovertible; we caused it; now we must fix it, and soon -- is nothing revolutionary. But the previously deaf ears on which those truths had fallen have finally seemed to perk up.

Well put, Homunculus. I can’t speak for my fellow media elite, but when I read the Nobel committee’s official announcement, four words immediately leaped to mind: Winter on the Equator.

No matter. In the spirit of, you know, peace and shit, Homunculus will let this one slide. So, bygones. (Also, my lawyer, Uncle Marty, told me I don’t really have a case. Apparently blogs are not copyrighted. What’s up with that? Furthermore, apparently records indicate that no one reads this blog. What’s up with that?)

Besides, it seems that the Nobel committee staffers aren’t the only ones shamelessly misappropriating my prized I.P. Here is Times columnist Bob Herbert, the day after the announcement:

"The first thing media types wanted to know was whether this would prompt Mr. Gore to elbow his way into the presidential campaign. That’s like asking someone who’s recovered from a heart attack if he plans to resume smoking."

And here is House Representative Rahm Emanuel, who was a top aide in the Clinton administration:

"Why would (Gore) run for president when he can be a demigod? He now towers over all of us because he’s pure."

I agree, Bob! I agree, Rahm! In fact, I agreed with you two months ago!…

I don’t want Gore to run [because] I think he can do more for the world as an environmental activist than as a perpetually-compromising politician with his hands tied by political adversaries and omnipotent corporate interests. Besides, how would he make headway with the environment if he were also dealing with terrorism, the economy, health-care reform, the Iraq War, and the myriad other high-priority problems presidents juggle on a daily basis? True, the President of the United States is the Most Powerful Man in the Free World. But consider this: Even if Gore were to win, would he really get that much more accomplished in office than any other similarly-minded Democrat? If Gore sticks to his role as Mr. Green, on the other hand, we could end up with the best of both worlds: a Democrat manning (or "womanning," as the case may be) the country and Gore himself manning the rest of the earth. Unfortunately, today’s bitterly partisan political climate -- to say nothing of our checks and balances, bureaucratic inefficiency, and ubiquitous corruption -- prevents our elected leaders from initiating ground-breaking, potentially unpopular legislation. Politicians fight the battles they can win; artists and advocates fight the battles worth fighting, whether they will be won or not.

You might say that "With [The] Prize, Gore Is Vindicated Without Having to Add President to [His) Resume." If you were the Times last Saturday, in fact, that is exactly what you would have said. You might also have said that Gore was vindicated long before he received the Nobel, that he was doing okay with the Emmy, the Oscar, the reported $175,000 he receives for speaking engagements, the scores of hot young ladies who hurl themselves, bewitched, onto his undeniably sexy rolls of flab -- and, most of all, with the online tribute he received from an anonymous expert two months before a bunch of Scandinavians knew which way was up.

* Were you as pleasantly surprised as I to see that Al’s old buddy Newt “See? Newts are green!” Gingrich even got in on the hosanna-fest? Well, sort of. In minimally-veiled backhanded fashion -- that is to say, in Republican fashion -- Gingrich half-praised Gore: "In a way Vice President Gore, by raising the intensity of the issue, by talking about it, raised the challenge for those of us who think there’s an alternative to say, 'O.K., right emotions, wrong answer.'"

30 Things NOT to Do Before You Die

If you saw the Sunday Styles section of the Times several weeks ago ("10 Things to Do Before This Article is Finished"), you know that Life Lists are seriously in vogue. There are countless books dedicated explicitly to the concept, including Fifty Places to Play Golf Before You Die, 101 Things to Do Before You Turn 40, 1,000 Places to See Before You Die (the best-seller that spawned a successful travel documentary on the Travel Channel[1]), and the 1001 Books/Movies/Albums/Paintings You Must Read/See/Hear/See Before You Die series, which, were you to attempt to read, see, hear, and see all 4,004 items, would take nearly 142 years. (I calculated. ) There is also a recent novel, The Next Thing on My List: A Novel, by Jill Smolinski, which merely utilizes the (high-as-a-skydiver) concept as the premise, and which will surely be adapted into a mediocre, mid-budget movie. And speaking of upcoming mediocre, mid-budget movies, there's one of those, too: The Bucket List, starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. There’s also a popular website (www.43Things.com) and a ubiquitous ad campaign (Visa’s "Things to Do While You’re Alive"). Even The New Yorker, that pantheon of the highbrow, joined the parade. Last week’s issue includes an article entitled "My Life List," in which John McPhee, that human pantheon of the highbrow, guides us through the catalog of strange foods he has consumed.

Everybody’s doing it. Or at least, you know, making lists about doing it. Freeman apparently wants to attain the perfect golf swing, which may or may not be more attainable than another goal that should be on his List if it isn’t already: playing something other than the Stately Black Man Performing Voiceover Narration to Tell the Story of a White Protagonist. Jerry Rice evidently has more modest aspirations: he wants to visit Rome before he dies. (Jerry, if you’re reading this -- and I know you are -- I’d be happy to schedule your trip for a small charge -- say, a percentage of your Dancing With the Stars appearance fee.)

Having already accomplished many of the feats Listed in the Times story -- skydiving, seeing a dinosaur fossil, swimming with dolphins, living in a beach house, developing a more positive attitude[2], and so on -- ol’ Homunculus has little use for such a List himself. Rather, as someone who sees the glass half full of emptiness, I have chosen to live a slightly different List. My Life List, formulated in 2004 after a particularly nasty bout of gonorrhea (which I contracted, ironically enough, after conquering one item on my previous To-Do List), represents an inventory of things I want to avoid doing before I die.[3]

Thus, without further ado -- life is short, after all -- here is my List of 30 Things NOT to Do Before I Die:

1) Read Fifty Places to Play Golf Before You Die.
2) Play golf in fifty different places.
3) Play golf fifty more times.
4) Pass up the opportunity to have sex with Rachel McAdams if presented with the opportunity.
5) Get a Prince Albert.
6) Visit all of Central Asia's "Stans."
7) Name my son Stan.
8) Name my daughter Stan.
9) Read Pride & Prejudice.
10) Eat a Rocky Mountain oyster.
11) Have my parachute fail on me while skydiving.
12) Have a dolphin eat me while swimming with one.
13) Live in a house built by Habitat for Humanity.
14) Have a threesome (the uncool kind).
15) Watch Michael Bay's entire oeuvre.
16) Watch Kevin Smith's entire oeuvre.
17) See the Eagles in concert.
18) Meet Paris Hilton. *
18a) Bang Paris Hilton. *
18b) Contract Herpes. *
19) Meet Britney Spears.
19a) Bang Britney Spears.
19b) Contract retardation.
20) Find God.
21) Visit Somalia.
22) Visit Irkutsk.
23) Visit Arkansas.
24) Have a shit fit, perhaps literally, as a doctor I just met takes a pen knife to the crown of my jewels and slices away a patch of the most sensitive flesh on my body. *
25) See Stonehenge. (Heard it's overrated.)
26) See Ayres Rock. (Ditto.)
27) See Rockys II, III, V, & VI.
28) See Spider-Men II*, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, & IX.
29) Have my back waxed.
30) Make a list of things to avoid doing before dying. *

---

[1] According to the Times article, Patricia Schultz, the author of 1,000 Places, has visited about 80% of the places listed in the book. The Times sounded impressed, but shouldn't she have had to visit all the places to write about and recommend them? Isn't that like Ebert leaving a movie 20 minutes early and then giving it a thumbs-up?

[2] Ha! Just kidding.

[3] Incidentally, dying is actually number one on my list of things to avoid. However, in light of the technicality that one cannot die before dying, it has been left off the List.

* Too late.