Fathers & Sons, Fathers & Dogs

Overheard on my run tonight:

A 7-year-old blond boy, to his father: "Dad, don't you think pumpkins should be for all seasons?"

His father: "Maybe."

For what it's worth, Little Towhead, Homunculus is with ya: If there's one thing a pumpkin should be, it's for all seasons.


Overseen on the Times online today:

"Man dives in to save dog from shark in Fla. attack." I'll say this for the dude: Brotha loves his dog. But seriously, what is up with guys jumping into the water to fight sharks with their bare hands? And just because I would never ever ever do that, does that make them braver than me?

WOTE’s (as-Fun-as-a-Fact-Can-Be) Fact of the Day*

Back in the day, the audience sometimes participated in classical concerts. Once, when Franz Liszt was beginning a performance of the "Kreutzer" Sonata, listeners began calling out "Robert le Diable!" -- meaning that they wished to hear instead Liszt's fantasy on themes from the Meyerbeer opera. Liszt acceded to the demand and launched into his "Robert" fantasy.

Then he did "Freebird."


(As-Fun-as-a-Fact-Can-Be) Fact courtesy of:

"Why So Serious?" by Alex Ross, from The New Yorker


* Sort of like Harper’s Index, but even more funner.

A Moosetacular Birthday

Today was my birthday. For the big day, Mr. and Mrs. Reilly sent ol' -- 1 year ol'er -- Homunculus a pair of boxers from their recent trip to Alaska, home of bitchtastic vice-presidential candidates and, apparently, punny undergarments. Here, check 'em out:












(Yes, that says "GLUTEUS MAXIMOOSE.")

Homunculus say, Thanks Mom & Dad! -- but an even better gift would have been the chance to squeeze S-Palin's gluteus maximoose on live TV. Mmmm.... glutilicious.

3 Signs I Need a Woman

1. It's 10:15 on a Saturday night, and I am alone at home.

2. It's 10:15 on a Saturday night, and I am alone at home playing Rock Band.

3. It's 10:15 on a Saturday night, I am alone at home playing Rock Band, and I am suddenly finding myself attracted to my drummer avatar, "Belladonna Gauttustix." (Get it? "Got-two-sticks"...) *


* In my defense, she is pretty boomin'. (See below.) To all the men out there who own the game, create a female avatar with a Goth attitude, a "Belladonna" facial structure, minimal height, and maximal, um, voluptuousness. Then dress her in the following:

• magenta "Dancing Queen" hairdo
• navy-blue Vater® Drumsticks camisole
• "frillseeker" miniskirt ("Give your fans chills when you wear these frills.")
• fluorescent-green "slouchy stirrup boots"
• highway-patrol mirrored "Miranda" sunglasses ("You have the right to perform. Anything you play can and will be heard by your fans.")
• yard-dog-cuff bracelets

Now, don't lie. You just popped a stiffy too, didn't you?











Bella Gauttustix.

...and speaking of corruption, convictions, and monumental idiocy in a leadership position...

...Thailand's prime minister, Samak Sundaravej, was forced to resign on Tuesday for accepting payments for work he did on a Thai cooking show while in office. Apparently Samak made four guest appearances on a show called Tasting and Complaining (in America, this is known as "dinner with Bubby & Zadie"), and pocketed, for his hard work,

[drum roll, please]

$2,350!

Wow, talk about poor choices. I make that much with four blog entries, and I don't get paid for this blog. If only we could have nailed Bush for something like that.

Fortunately for Samak, he will probably remain in office anyway, since his party is naming him its nominee for the upcoming parliamentary vote to determine his successor -- "an outcome," says the Times, "that would seem to defy the spirit of the court ruling." Ya think? The Times would seem to be understating that one.

"The appeal in the defamation case is scheduled to be heard on Sept. 25, when Mr. Samak plans to address the United Nations in New York," according to the Times. "The court said he would face an arrest warrant if he did not appear. Mr. Samak has said he is confident that he will not be ousted while he is away."

Good thinking, Sam, 'cause it's not like that exact same thing happened the last time a Thai prime minister left town to make an appearance at the UN. Ah, Thailand, you never fail to amuse. (It just occurred to me that Thailand is like the half-witted, flakey friend in the group who can't get his act together to save his life, but you keep him around anyway because you know you'll have some crazy-ass stories to tell the next day.)

I miss you, Thailand, and I'll be back soon, no matter who's in charge and fucking things up.

An Enormous Dick. Head.

Last week was a rough one for Homunculus. His sunburn started to peal, causing his arms to resemble molting snakes, and his raging case of mid-summer hemorrhoids, which he had vanquished and left for dead, returned with a burning vengeance. His job search continued to yield frustratingly fruitless results, as did his lady hunt. (In a sadistic attempt to profit off his misfortune, HJR’s friends -- both of them -- have started a pool based on which will happen first, Homunculus finding employment or Homunculus finding boobies?) Speaking of employment searches and copulatory disasters, John McCain and Bristol -- er, Sarah -- Palin took center stage last week -- and appeared to be a success. The pundits all agreed that McCain accomplished his goal of impressing even Homunculus with his acceptance speech. Not good for America, not good for Homunculus (who, despite growing up pampered in Silicon Valley, is now definitively a member of the working class (and by "working class," I mean lower-middle class, not people who are actually working)). To top things off, my beloved 49ers opened another embarrassing season by losing to a team quarterbacked by a member of Palin’s Christ Squad.

So, bad week.

Fortunately Steve Warshak was there to cushion the blow. "Who is Steve Warshak?" you ask.

I’m glad you did.

Warshak is the founder of a company called Berkeley Premium Nutraceuticals, best known -- or, more accurately, only known -- for a "natural male enhancement" product called Enzyte, the commercials for which you’ve surely seen if you watch a lot of ESPN Classic at 3:00 a.m. They feature "Smilin' Bob," an average-looking middle-aged man, and a jackass of biblical scale, who can’t stop smiling because of the improvements in his sex life. Here he is in action, sort of:

Now, be honest. How much would you pay to wipe that grin off Bob’s face with a swift kick to his naturally-enhanced male parts? I’d pay $60.00 -- which, coincidentally, is exactly the price I would not pay for a packet of Enzyte. Yet being profoundly retarded is the least of these ads’ transgressions. They prey on the single largest (as it weren’t) insecurity of every man (your humble blogger excepted, of course) and parlay those insecurities into ill-gotten revenue with patently false promises. In short, Warshak is a textbook mountebank.*

Or rather, he was a textbook mountebank. Now he is a textbook case of white-collar crime. In February Warshak was convicted of 93 -- ninety-three! -- counts of conspiracy, fraud, and money laundering. (I still don't know what money laundering is exactly, but I know it has something to do with being a ginormously corrupt piece of shit.) Last week Warshak was sentenced to 25 years in prison and ordered, along with several other defendants (including his 75-year-old mother!), to forfeit more than $500 million. Tough break there, Steve.

Here is a picture of the dickbreath:

Note the faintly dickish sneer, reminiscent of Maddox's "pedosmile." Good luck with that in the clink, cockbrain.

You might be thinking at this point, "Why does Homunculus seem so worked up about this? I bet he must be one of the millions of mediocrely-endowed men bilked out of hundreds of his hard-earned dollars." Wrong! You couldn't be more wrong. I simply love watching these pricks get caught. The only thing that gives me as much pleasure as when some homophobic senator gets caught tapping his foot under an adjacent men's room stall is when one of these greedy corporate bastards get nailed for fraud and money laundering. Yes, I live a petty, petty existence. But we've got to find joy in the little things, no?

After reading about Warshak and laughing maniacally for several minutes, I checked out his company's website. There's nothing too douchey about the site, though perhaps the "Berkeley in the News" page should have been a red flag for potential customers: every one of the "news" items was written by the company itself. Not too surprising.

What was surprising is that apparently Warhak and his dickolytes are still hiring. Well, lord knows ol' Homunculus could use a job. So, I applied. My cover letter is below. I'll keep you posted.

* I'll admit it. I only included that sentence so I could use the word "mountebank" in a blog entry. Finally.

To: recruiting@bpn.com

From: HomunculusJReilly@WOTE.com

RE: employment opportunities at BPN

Dear Sir or Madam (probably Sir):

After seeing Berkeley Premium Nutraceuticals in the news last week, I explored your website. I am responding to the open invitation on your “Job Opportunities” page to apply for a position with BPN.

Idon’t need any of your products myself (particularly Enzyte… if you know what I mean ; ) ), but I have plenty of friends who have tried them, and I have always been fascinated with both biochemistry and creative writing. I recently completed my MFA in fiction at [HJR's grad school]. In addition to a near-perfect grade point average and exemplary written recommendations (available upon request), I served as the editor of [HJR's lit mag], the graduate program’s literary journal.

Besides my "official" accomplishments, I (believe it or not!) study microbiology and pharmaceutical biochemistry in my spare time. Finally, I am “intelligent, imaginative, and ambitious” (especially imaginative), the qualities you stated you most desire.

My resume is attached. I hope to talk with you to discuss my additional accomplishments and how I can contribute to your continued success. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Homunculus J. Reilly

P.S. I am willing to relocate to Cincinnati.

P.P.S. You need to update the “In the News” page of your website.

WOTE’s (as-Fun-as-a-Fact-Can-Be) Fact of the Day*

The stem of a single Saguaro cactus plant can retain up to five tons (5 tons!) of water.



(As-Fun-as-a-Fact-Can-Be) Fact Courtesy of:

Planet Earth.


* Sort of like Harper’s Index, but even more funner.